Bullying

    Years ago, I was picking up my child at his elementary school and noticed a bumper sticker on the car in front of me that read, “My child can beat up your Honor Roll Student.”  I just stared at the sticker, at the minivan, and then tried, unsuccessfully, to get a look at the parent driving the car.  Did she think it was funny?  Was it supposed to be serious?  I watched as her son crashed out of the school and bounded towards the car.  The other children got out of his way as he swung open the car door and slammed it behind him.  By the time my child climbed into the car, the one in front of me had taken off.

     I never did find out who the Mom was, but I have thought about that bumper sticker many times over the years. Was that child living in a family that condoned bullying?  One that encouraged bullying?  Were his parents, themselves, bullies?  With everything being written and said and sung about the lifelong harm that bullies can cause their targets, how could this Mom think it was funny to display that bumper sticker?  

     How much do you really know about bullying? Check out these facts and myths from     http://www.stopbullying.gov/topics/what_is_bullying/test_your_knowledge/index.html.

FACT: People who bully have power over those they bully. 

People who bully others usually pick on those who have less social power (peer status), psychological power (know how to harm others), or physical power (size, strength). However, some people who bully also have been bullied by others. People who both bully and are bullied by others are at the highest risk for problems (such as depression and anxiety) and are more likely to become involved in risky or delinquent behavior. 

FACT: Spreading rumors is a form of bullying. 

Spreading rumors, name-calling, excluding others, and embarrassing them are all forms of social bullying that can cause serious and lasting harm. 

MYTH: Only boys bully. 

People think that physical bullying by boys is the most common form of bullying. However, verbal, social, and physical bullying happens among both boys and girls, especially as they grow older. 

MYTH: People who bully are insecure and have low self-esteem. 

Many people who bully are popular and have average or better-than-average self-esteem. They often take pride in their aggressive behavior and control over the people they bully. People who bully may be part of a group that thinks bullying is okay. Some people who bully may also have poor social skills and experience anxiety or depression. For them, bullying can be a way to gain social status.

MYTH: Bullying usually occurs when there are no other students around. 

Students see about four out of every five bullying incidents at school. In fact, when they witness bullying, they give the student who is bullying positive attention or even join in about three-quarters of the time. Although 9 out of 10 students say there is bullying in their schools, adults rarely see bullying, even if they are looking for it. 

MYTH: Bullying often resolves itself when you ignore it. 

Bullying reflects an imbalance of power that happens again and again. Ignoring the bullying teaches students who bully that they can bully others without consequences. Adults and other students need to stand up for children who are bullied, and to ensure they are protected and safe. 

MYTH: All children will outgrow bullying. 

For some, bullying continues as they become older. Unless someone intervenes, the bullying will likely continue and, in some cases, grow into violence and other serious problems. Children who consistently bully others often continue their aggressive behavior through adolescence and into adulthood. 

MYTH: Reporting bullying will make the situation worse. 

Research shows that children who report bullying to an adult are less likely to experience bullying in the future. Adults should encourage children to help keep their school safe and to tell an adult when they see bullying.

MYTH: Teachers often intervene to stop bullying.

Adults often do not witness bullying despite their good intentions. Teachers intervene in only 14 percent of classroom bullying episodes and in 4 percent of bullying incidents that happen outside the classroom. 

MYTH: Nothing can be done at schools to reduce bullying.

School initiatives to prevent and stop bullying have reduced bullying by 15 to 50 percent. The most successful initiatives involve the entire school community of teachers, staff, parents, students, and community members.

MYTH: Parents are usually aware that their children are bullying others. 

Parents play a critical role in bullying prevention, but they often do not know if their children bully or are bullied by others. To help prevent bullying, parents need to talk with their children about what is happening at school and in the community.  

If you want to read about some great ideas of ways to stop bullying, take a look at this:

    http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/how-do-we-stop-bullying-in-schools/

Children Need Sleep

     An acquaintance who tutors children reported on Facebook today that she had been asked by a parent to come by to tutor a six-year-old after 9:00 pm.  The family was really busy until then.  Really ?! Three questions came immediately to mind.  1. Why does a six-year-old need tutoring? 2. How is a six-year-old supposed to pay attention and learn anything after 9:00 pm? 3. Why isn’t a six-year-old in bed and already asleep by 9:00 pm?

     I will try to limit myself to one of these questions here: why isn’t a six-year-old in bed and already asleep by 9:00 pm?  I absolutely understand that today’s parents often work and the only time they have to spend with their children is the evening and weekends.  It stands to reason, then, that they would want to enjoy as much time as possible with those children.  However, children need their sleep.  According to the following chart, this six-year-old needs 10 - 11 hours of sleep.  If she is being tutored until 10:00 pm, then preparing for bed, she probably does not get to sleep until 11:00 pm.  If her parents wake her at 7:00 am for school, she is getting no more than 8 hours sleep.  This little tyke is being sleep deprived at least by two to three hours every night.

     The National Sleep Foundation also tells us that the effects of sleep deprivation are huge.  In fact, short sleep deprivation is associated with:

• Increased risk of motor vehicle accidents
• Increase in body mass index - a greater likelihood of obesity due to an increased appetite caused by sleep deprivation
• Increased risk of diabetes and heart problems
• Increased risk for psychiatric conditions, including depression and substance abuse
• Decreased ability to pay attention, react to signals, or remember new information

I am sure that if these parents knew that they were putting their little girl at risk for all of these things, they would, perhaps, make sure that she had an earlier bedtime.  

     This makes me wonder about the possible connection between the numbers of children today who are not getting enough sleep and the increased frequency of ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder, and emotional/behavioral diagnoses that we are seeing.  Perhaps many of these children are being mis-diagnosed.  Perhaps they are exhibiting symptoms not of a pathological nature, but simply of a sleep deprivation one.

     So, what can parents do to ensure that their children get enough sleep and wake refreshed?  Again, according to the National Sleep Foundation, they can do the following:

1. Establish consistent sleep and wake schedules, even on weekends.  (I remember taking my children to DisneyWorld and tucking them into bed at 7:30 pm each night because it was their bedtime.)
2. Create a regular, relaxing bedtime routine such as soaking in a hot bath or listening to soothing music, reading a book aloud or singing a particular song.
3. Create a sleep-conducive environment that is dark, quiet, comfortable and cool
4. Provide a comfortable mattress and pillows
5. Do not allow your children to watch television, play on a computer, or have a cell phone in the bedroom
6. Finish eating at least two to three hours before the regular bedtime

     So, the next time you are tempted to allow your child to stay up late because it is more convenient for you, remember the importance of sleep and tuck the little one into bed. 

Digital Parenting
     I am coining a new phrase -- digital parenting.  This refers to those parents who live hectic lives: working, socializing, traveling, and raising their children digitally.  With the advent of i-phones and i-pads, i-parenting is taking over in some households.  Leaving messages for children to do chores, reminders to do homework, and schedules are taking the place of face-to-face communication.  Sending texts, e-mails, and IMing are taking the place of face-to-face communication.  Referencing articles, television shows, and news reports is taking the place of face-to-face communication. Parents giving children toys that read stories to them instead of reading to them themselves are losing face-to-face communication.
    A digital mom of a 15 year old said to me a short time ago, "You seem to have a great relationship with your children.  How can I talk with my son?"  I wanted to tell her that it was too late, that you develop a relationship from birth, talking, playing, listening, spending time together, laughing, sharing, teaching, disciplining, loving.  You can't allow television, computers, video games, day care providers, coaches, and teachers to raise your child.  You need to be an important piece of the equation.  Then, when your child is 15, you will have developed a base that allows him to be confident that you are there, care, and are concerned for his well-being.  What I did say was, "Well, you could start by unplugging for a weekend - the whole family.  Spend the weekend playing games together, doing chores together, running errands together, and talking.  Find something that you all love and do it together - no cell phones, ipads, laptops, televisions, ipods, or any other electronic distractions.  Have meals together at the same time at the same table."  She looked at me as though I had suggested that she cut off her arm, shrugged, and said, "Well, that's not going to happen."
    When I drive along the road and see a Mom sitting in the front seat, driving, and two children sitting in the back with ear buds in their ears, staring at DVD screens, I am sad.  When I see a family riding in a car and three children are in the back, individually playing video games on their Game Boys I am sad.  When I see children with ear buds in their ears listening to different music, I am sad.  Digital parents should realize that car time is captive audience time.  While "trapped" in the car, parents and children have the opportunity to play word games, I Spy, number games, sing songs, review the events of the day, talk about the future, laugh together, basically, learn about each other's lives and connect.  Allowing this time to slip by is really allowing your children to slip a little more away from you.
    I know that I run the risk of sounding old fashioned.  I am not an enemy of technology.  I love my electronic toys - MacBook Air, Ipod, Apple TV, DVD, GPS, etc. -- but there is so much to be gained when they are turned off, when you are inaccessible and unplugged to the outside world.  There are times when you need to communicate with people one-to-one and face-to-face -- especially your children.   
     

The Joy of Reading

     Never underestimate the power of the joy of reading in reaching gifted children, regardless of your observations of their abilities or attention span in class.    

     For two years, I served as Project Manager for a research study on twice-exceptional children (children who are gifted but who also have something that is holding them back from fulfilling their true potential, such as ADD/ADHD, Asperger’s, OCD, Bi-Polar, Behavioral or Social diagnoses, etc.) Part of my responsibility was to visit third and fourth grade classrooms to observe the students in the study.  I found this fascinating, particularly when it came to be time for free reading. 

     When the students were given time to read on their own, wonderful things occurred.  A student who didn’t seem to be able to focus on anything suddenly became engrossed in a biography of Albert Einstein, sitting quietly at his desk.  A student who felt like a failure most of the time suddenly smiled and laughed as she read, sprawled on the carpet in the front of the room.  A little boy whose numerous questions often went unanswered by a harried teacher became absorbed in a book on aeronautics, sitting on the windowsill.  A little girl who appeared anxious most of the time relaxed and left the world behind as she became engrossed in a novel, curled in a bean bag chair. And a little boy who was often homeless and had difficulty getting his work done in a noisy classroom read a historical novel quietly aloud to himself sitting under the teacher’s desk in his own little cave.

    The examples are too numerous to list here, but the effect that free reading had on these children was astounding - across the board.  Regardless of their twice-exceptionality, when they were given time to read books of their choosing, topics in which they were truly interested, they became engrossed. In gifted education, we often tell teachers and parents to follow the children’s passions to reach them and to help them to learn.  The truth in this philosophy becomes clear during these reading times.

    One of my favorite stories is of the little boy who loved science.  In fact, he was far ahead of the class in that area, since he read everything he could on a variety of scientific topics.  As a result, he was bored and frustrated during science in his gifted elementary classroom.  The class didn’t delve deeply enough into the subject for him.  The teacher didn’t have the time (or the inclination) to answer his many questions.  He began acting out in class, being disruptive to the other children and annoying the teacher.  Parents were called in for a conference and it was suggested that the little boy be put on medication to calm him.  The parents refused, since they knew their son and knew that in his case he simply needed more of a challenge in science.  An agreement was made between parents and teacher that a contract would be drawn up and the little boy and his teacher would both sign it.  If he agreed to not disrupt the class and complete the assignments for the class, the teacher would agree to let him bring in books from the library and from home to read while the rest of the class completed their work.  During the remainder of the school year, the little boy was a model student.  He completed his assigned work and went to his “office” in the corner of the room where he read dozens of books in a variety of scientific areas.  When he finished each book, he wrote a review of the book, including questions he had about each one.  He and the teacher would review his writing, and they would choose a question or two to research further.  

    This story describes a situation in which some creativity and flexibility on the part of an excellent teacher, caring parents, and a bright child created a learning experience commensurate with a child’s abilities and interests, while allowing him to remain in a classroom with his age peers - something that was important to the parents and the child.  Reading about his interests changed him from a behavioral “problem child” into a curious, lifetime learner.

    Never underestimate the power of the joy of reading for these gifted children. 

Praise
    I attended a cheerleading competition today.  Little girls from pre-school through high school competed with teams from around the state.  It was exciting, fun, and entertaining.  It was also educational.  The educational piece, for me, came in the relationship between the type and frequency of praise bestowed upon the members of the team and the team’s attitude, pleasure in performing, and success.  As I watched the teams take to the floor, I also watched their coaches.  

    I watched a pair of coaches hug each member prior to competition, smile at them, tell them that they were going to be great, and to have fun.  The team went out and looked like they really enjoyed themselves.  They were a pleasure to watch and they did great.  When they were finished, the coaches jumped up, ran to them, arms open and smiles on their faces, congratulating them for doing the best they had ever done. Team members and coaches ran out of the auditorium, chattering about what fun that had been.
    In contrast, another coach sternly reminded the girls that they needed to do their best, yelled to them from across the room to smile, motioned throughout their performance to any member who was not doing something right.  When the competition was over, the team quietly left the floor. Without a word, the coach turned her back and the team quietly followed her out of the auditorium.
    Which team do you think did better at the end of the day?  Which girls are having a healthier experience?  Which girls are being empowered to do their best and to enjoy what they do, to feel good about themselves and their accomplishments? It is obvious that the team with the positive attitude, with the praise-bestowing coaches did far better than the team with the stern, all business coach.  When awards were handed out, another team took first prize, and the positive attitude team ran to them to congratulate them, following their coaches’ lead who walked over and shook hands with the winning coaches, congratulating them.  The negative attitude team sat sullenly, complaining to each other that they should have gotten better scores.  Their coach frowned at the winners and told her team that if they had tried harder they would have done better.
    Praise and a positive attitude will win out every time.
    Planning to write about praise today, I was surprised to see a friend’s post Are Our Children Overpraised? | Child Mind Institute (www.childmind.org).  If you are interested in the research on praise, take a look at the website.

Helping Children To Be More Resilient

    A phenomenon has overtaken this country in the past few years.  Children are never allowed to feel sad or angry or to fail at anything.  Parents, wanting their children to be happy, are quick to jump in and fix any problem their child has, trying to stave away any sadness.  Of course, the parents do this because they love their children and want to see the smiles on their faces.  However, the results of this type of parenting are not pretty.
     A child who never is allowed to feel sad, doesn’t learn how to deal with sadness, how to get past it, to see the beauty in the world, the goodness in people, or the strength in himself.  Without the minor sadnesses that childhood can offer, he does not learn how to cope with true sadness later on.  When a child’s pet dies, for example, it is okay to feel sad.  Parents can help children to understand the emotion, that we all feel sad sometimes, but that the sadness will pass in time and we will be happy again.  In this way, the child is prepared to maneuver through sadnesses, knowing that there will come a time when she will be happy again.
     A child who is not allowed to be angry, who is told to “get over it,” or not to be mad, doesn’t learn that there are some situations that absolutely warrant getting angry and then learning to use that anger to spur one on to greater things.  If, for example, a child gets angry because he can not have a toy he wants, and is allowed to feel that anger, and is guided to understand that he may be angry now but that we don’t always get everything we want, learns that sometimes anger is warranted and sometimes it is not.  At any rate, it is not rewarded.  When the child who is beaten out by another child for a team they both wanted to be on, and the losing child becomes angry, it is the parent’s job to allow the child to be angry, but to make sure that the child understands why he is angry.  Should his anger be directed at the child who played better or at himself because he didn’t try his best?  Learn from that anger.

    A child who is never allowed to fail at anything, or who is always told that she did a good job even when she did not, does not learn how to process failure, to learn from it, and not to make the same mistakes again.  Also, a child whose parent always praises in the face of failure or poor performance is less trusted to tell the child the truth.  The child knows in his heart that the effort was poor, or that he failed.  Yet, when the parent praises the effort or the result anyway, he learns to distrust the praise given in other situations.  A good example of this is a little boy playing baseball.  He comes up to bat and swings and misses.  Everyone yells, “good try.”  Another pitch comes and he swings and misses, and again everyone yells “good try.”  The third pitch comes and he hits a little roller back to the pitcher who throws him out at first.  Again, everyone yells, “That’s okay.  Good try.”  The mother, however, says nothing to him and asks the other parents not to tell him that it was a good try.  It wasn’t.  He failed.  The mother is criticized for being too hard on the little boy.  After the game, walking to the parking lot, the little boy asks his mother how he did.  She honestly tells him that his two hits were great, the run he scored was helpful to his team, but that his last at bat was horrible.  He looks up, smiles, and says, “I know.  Why does everyone yell ‘good try’ even when it isn’t?  It really bugs me.”  This mother understood that honesty is important and that the child needed to learn from the failure, figure out what he did wrong, and perhaps correct it in the next game.

    By allowing children to feel their emotions, we help them to become more resilient adults, able to cope with those emotions when they are felt.  By keeping children from feeling negative emotions, we are not giving them the tools with which to stave off depression, loneliness, and anger-related escalations.

    So, the next time your little one is sad, cuddle up with her, ask why she is sad, understand, and let her know that the sadness will pass.  The next time your child is angry, ask why he is angry, accept that, and help him to channel that anger in a positive way.  And, the next time your pride and joy fails, look that failure in the eye and make sure that he accepts it, learns from it, and moves on.  You will be ensuring that your child will become a resilient adult.

Organizational Styles

     Do you wish your child would be more organized?  Do you wish your child would remember where he put his things?  Do you wish your child would get her homework done in a more organized way?  Do you find yourself nagging your child to clean his room, pick up her toys, move his games out of your way, get her homework done, practice his musical instrument?
     Keep in mind that when you criticize your children for not being organized, you may be doing so unfairly.  Ask yourself a few questions: 1) Is my child able to find things when he needs them?; 2) Is my child comfortable in her surroundings? Is my child a . . . child?

     Some people are most organized following the adage, “A place for everything and everything in its place” (Type A) while others are most organized when their papers are in piles, items used every day are visible, and the untrained eye sees their space as a recent tornado scene (Type B).

      Parents, BOTH styles are organized.  A problem arises, however, when a Type A parent has a Type B child or vice versa.  We have to remember that our children do not need to organize in the exact same way we do so long as they can find what they need and are safe.    

      If, however, you would like to try to mold your Type B into a Type A, make sure that you provide appropriate spaces for his “stuff.”  Cubbies, shelves, hooks, and baskets are often acceptable to Type Bs since they allow for everything to be visible.  The Type A parent may be able to adapt to this visibility since everything now has a place. 

        If you would like to try to mold your Type A into a Type B in your image, however, that might be a little more difficult.  I remember a parent telling me of a three-year-old who chased after her with her shoes to inform her that they had not been put away where they belonged.   

        Whatever your organizational style, just remember that organization does have to be taught.  It is not something that children are born knowing.  Often, they will copy your style, but sometimes they will develop their very own.  Try to be patient and enjoy the ride.