Children Learn What They Live

We all know that children learn what they live, but how much do we think about that in our day to day lives?  Do we think about it when we become outraged by a fellow driver?  How about when we tell a friend on the phone that we have to go because the doorbell rang - and it really didn't?  Are we thinking about it when we watch television shows containing lots of violence or sexual content?  Are we even thinking about it when we become exasperated and scream at our children?  How can we remember to teach our children subliminally the lessons we want them to learn in life?

• We are only human.  If we make a mistake and act in a way we would not want our children to act, we can calmly explain that the behavior was wrong - that even Mommies and Daddies make mistakes sometimes.
• If we act toward our children or someone else in a way that we would not want our children to learn, we can apologize to the person we have offended, teaching our children that when we hurt someone apologizing is the right thing to do.
• If we are tempted to tell a white lie to someone because it's the easier path, we can either not do it or explain to our children why we did it and help them to understand that sometimes we need to respect others' feelings and not say or do things that will hurt them.
• If there is a television show that we would like to watch that is not appropriate for our young children, we can either not watch it, record it to watch it later, or give our children something to do in another room while it is on.  There is no reason to expose young children to gratuitous sex and violence.  
• If we want to teach our children to be good sports, we can teach them that is okay to cheer for our team, but not to boo the other team.  Positively cheering someone on is encouraging.  Booing someone is unkind.
• If we want our children to learn to be of service to others, we need to be of service to others.  Bake something for the holidays for a shelter with your child, shop for holiday presents for the down-on-their-luck family with your child.  Make blankets for the homeless with your child.  Clean out your child's toy closet with him and suggest that he go with you to donate the toys he no longer enjoys for children who will appreciate them.  Ask your child to go with you when you take outgrown winter coats to a shelter.  There are innumerable ways you can serve and provide that example for your children.
• Sit and read in the evening instead of parking in front of the television.  Talk about your book or magazine or newspaper, exhibiting enjoyment in what you are reading.
• Practice random acts of kindness: compliment someone who appears to need a pick-me-up, hold a door for someone, stow groceries in someone's car, take a shopping cart back to the store for someone, ask someone sitting alone to join you, smile and say hello to strangers, take the neighbors' newspaper up to their door for them.  Just do something nice every day for someone and let your child see you doing it.

Mostly, just remember that your children are watching you and listening to you.  How often do you hear something you have said or see something you have done come out of them?  If you truly want to teach them to be responsible, caring adults, keep in mind that they are paying attention not just to what you tell them to do, but to what you do.

Turning Wishes Into Goals

Often our children (and we) hope that something will happen, but we never seem to form a plan to advance that hope to a goal.  As Antoine de Saint-Exupery said in the early 1900s, "A goal without a plan is just a wish."  So how do we help our children to create those plans that change their wishes to goals?  One way is to actually write the goals down and think about ways to achieve those goals.  Teachers do this in school,  asking children to set out goals at the beginning of a school year, but we often don’t think to do this as parents.  Following is a form you may use to help your child figure out a few plans.

Following are several wishes you may have or do have.  Select three (or more) of them and see of you can devise a plan to achieve them, thus turning them from wishes to goals.

1. I hope I get a good grade on this test.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2. I hope school won’t be boring today.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
3. I hope I get to school on time.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
4. I hope I get my homework finished tonight.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
5. I hope today will be a good day.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
6. I hope I don’t get into trouble today.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
7. I hope I don’t lose anything today.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
8. I hope I remember to give the note from my teacher to my parent.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
9. I hope I can pay attention in class today.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
10. I hope: _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Personal Responsibility

“Mom, it’s all your fault.”

    How many times have you heard your child exclaim that something is all your fault?  He didn’t get his homework done.  She was late for school.  He received a bad grade.  She didn’t make the team.  Somehow, it is all Mom’s fault.  What I am wondering is at what point did Mom decide that she would take responsibility for her child’s successes and failures?  And how did we not teach our children a sense of personal responsibility?

    Today a friend told me a story about her college-aged daughter who had a report to do for school.  She was having a difficult time settling on a topic and called her mother for suggestions.  The mother, always willing to do whatever she can to help her child, offered a suggestion.  After considering her suggestion, however, she told her daughter that it might not be a great idea for a number of reasons.  Flash forward a few days.  The report is now due the following day.  The Mom is out of town.  The daughter calls her in a panic to bemoan the fact that she just cannot find enough information about the topic her mother suggested and now has only a few hours to complete the report.  Somehow, it is all the mother’s fault that she has not completed the report.

    So how does a child gain a sense of personal responsibility and what can we do as parents to teach it?  One important thing is to provide challenges for them along the way and allow them to fail.  That may sound unfair to parents who do not want to see their children unhappy or struggling; however, without challenge a person cannot learn how to overcome disappointments or failure. How about some specific scenarios?

1. You tell your toddler to put his toys away.  He does not do it.  20 minutes later you walk into his playroom and he tells you that he couldn’t do it.  What do you do?   Do you simply put the toys away yourself because it is easier than arguing?  Do you raise your voice and start berating the child for not doing what you asked him to do?  Do you offer to help him put the toys away?  Do you keep him company while he puts the toys away?  Personally, I think that either of the last two choices work to develop responsibility, but the last choice is best.  Offer to keep him company while he puts the toys away and encourage him by praising his efforts.
2. Your primary school child has a project to do for school.  She waits until the night before it is due and then complains that she can not get it done.  What do you do?  Do you tell her that it’s late and she needs her sleep; she should go to bed and you’ll finish it for her?  Do you raise your voice and start berating the child for not starting on the project sooner?  Do you offer suggestions and help her to finish the project?  Do you sit down to read a book and let her give it her best shot at the 11th hour?  Again, Letting her know that you are not deserting her but not bailing her out either is the best solution.  She needs to learn that taking responsibility for her lack of action has led her to this uncomfortable position.
3. Your child forgets something at home (lunch, band instrument, homework).  He calls you and asks you to bring it to him.  Do you immediately take it to him?  Do you get upset and wonder how he can be so forgetful?  Do you tell him that it is his responsibility to remember to bring his things to school and that you will not take it to him?  As difficult as it is to do, the best thing you could do is to refrain from taking it to him.  He will not starve if he misses one lunch.  He may be sad to miss band and will probably remember his instrument the next time.  He may be  embarrassed if he doesn’t have his homework but will probably remember it the next time. 
4. Your child has a piano lesson and the instructor tells her that she has not practiced enough during the previous week.  When she gets into the car she blames you for not making her practice.  Do you tell her that you will make sure she practices this week?  Do you get upset with her and tell her not to blame you?  Do you explain that piano is her activity and that practice is a part of the activity and she is responsible for doing it?  Do you offer to help her make a schedule for practice and then hold her accountable for sticking to it on her own?  I think the last two would work just fine.  The important thing is to help her to see that it is her responsibility to do what it takes to succeed - if success is her goal.
5. Your son has soccer practice and he is playing video games.  You tell him that it is time to go to practice.  He does not move.  Do you tell at him and nag him until he gets in the car?  Do you remind him a couple of times and then go about your business?  Do you tell him that you are not going to nag him but that it is his responsibility to go to practice and that he has five minutes and then you will not take him?  By choosing this last choice you are giving him a few minutes to consider what you have said, letting him know that it is his choice, and reminding him that he has a responsibility to the team to be there.  If he then chooses not to go, you can remind him that it was his choice and he will have to live with the consequences - not playing in the game, having the couch angry with him, or having his teammates annoyed that he wasn’t at practice.  Note:  if you say that he has five minutes and that you will not take him after that, DON”T take him if he emerges 10 minutes later, ready to go.

    The bottom line is that to teach personal responsibility a parent must start teaching children at a young age.  By “saving” them and “bailing them out” throughout their childhoods, we ensure that they will become adults who blame others for their failures rather than taking charge of their own lives.

    

Siblings' Activities

    A friend provided inspiration today for this blog.  She has a child who has discovered a new passion.  She also has another child (younger) who is feeling somewhat left out as he sees his sister enjoying her new activity so much.  Of course, he already has an activity about which he is passionate.  As she describes it, “His face lights up every time he has a piano lesson.”  The mother is trying to decide whether to let her son try this new activity (even though he already has an activity about which he is passionate) or to tell him that this is sister’s special activity much as he has his own.

   What is a mother to do?  We know that activities are good for children. Should we allow our children to compete at the same things or insist that they each go in different directions? Should we limit the number of things in which they are involved at any given time? Let’s look at what some of the experts say.

    According to Mike and Renee Mosiman, husband and wife co-authors of The Smarter Preschooler: Unlocking Your Child's Intellectual Potential, “A sense of personal accomplishment can be achieved when a child masters a skill such as learning a new stroke in swimming or making to the next belt level in karate.”  

   Barack Levin, a stay-at-home dad and author of The Diaper Chronicles, suggests letting your child try activities on a month-to-month basis.  He recommends signing up for one month and then reassessing at the end of the month.  That way, your child is not quitting an activity before it is over, but is not required to stay with it for too long if he hates it.  Of course, this is not always possible.  Some activities require you to sign up for the season or for months long sessions.  

    Jennifer Fredricks, Associate Director of Human Development at Connecticut College, found that the positive effects of one to 13 hours of weekly extracurricular activities were clear in children’s exam performance. But for students taking part in more than 17 hours of lessons, clubs and classes outside school, their grades and overall well-being notably dropped. “Above a certain level, you see a decline in grades and a decline in achievement.” Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1370429/Study-finds-extracurricular-activities-lead-exam-stress.html#ixzz1odaTuIHA

HOW TO BE A WHOLE SMART FAMILY (Sylvia B. Rimm, Ph.D., The Effects of Sibling Competition, 2002)

1.  Cheer for your siblings and they'll cheer for you.

2.  You may be second best in your family but might be best if you were in other families.

3.  Even if you're best in your family, you might be second best compared to another family.    

4.  Doing the best you can do is more important than being best in the family.

5. Learn to enjoy your experiences and improvement without continually comparing yourself to your siblings.

6. Effort and attitude count.

    Debbie Eisenstadt Mandel, a stress management specialist, tells us that we should “encourage separate individual hobbies and after-school activities. For example, one child might attend music school and the other karate. Each one needs to find a niche that distinguishes subjective abilities. Also, spend time with each one—separately doing other activities. After all, each child represents another part of you, physically and mentally. Become a positive mirror. Affirm each child verbally, don’t anticipate the negative.” 

    Finally, some schools have started offering activities after school - a different activity each day of the week. These are a great way for children to explore lots of different things without a lengthy time commitment. If your school or local youth club offers this sort of structure, you might want to check it out. Children are able to try chess club on Monday, soccer on Tuesday, drama club on Wednesday, piano on Thursday, and ballet on Friday - without you driving any extra miles or them making a huge commitment and becoming overextended. These activities are usually pretty low key - more focused on exposure than on proficiency.

    Benna Golubtchik, a teacher and NYC Board of Education retiree, reminds us, “children have personal learning styles: auditory, visual and drawing-- siblings do too.’”

    So, after we have looked at what several experts have to say about children’s activities, what is my friend to do?  

    First she must look at this younger sibling’s motivation. Does he want to take part because the older sister is getting attention for doing something well and he is jealous?  Does he want to join because he truly would enjoy the activity?  Is he tiring of the piano?  Does he feel the need to take on more extra-curricular activities?  Is he bored? 

    Once the mother has ascertained the motivation, perhaps she should look at the overall picture.  Is he involved in many activities?  Does he have adequate free time to simply create, think, and play? Is he truly passionate about playing the piano, playing for enjoyment in addition to simply practicing lessons?  Does he have a history of wanting to copy his big sister?  Is sibling rivalry an issue?  What effect would his joining in have on his big sister’s passion for her new activity?

    Once Mom answers all of these questions, she should be able to make the right decision for her family. What it always comes down to is what is appropriate for a given family. The experts can offer opinions, research, and advice, but in the end each family must choose what is right for them.

Bright Child or Gifted Learner?

Parents sometimes wonder if their children are bright, good students or truly gifted.  Let’s look at the differences. Janice Szabos compiled a comparison of characteristics that makes it easy to tell:

• A bright child knows the answers.  A gifted learner asks the questions.
• A bright child is interested.  A gifted learner is highly curious.
• A bright child is attentive.  A gifted learner is mentally and physically  involved.
• A bright child has good ideas.  A gifted learner has wild and silly ideas.
• A bright child works hard.  A gifted learner plays around, yet tests well.
• A bright child answers the questions.  A gifted learner discusses in detail and elaborates.   
• A bright child is in the top group.  A gifted learner is beyond the group.
• A bright child listens with interest.  A gifted learner shows strong feelings and opinions.
• A bright child learns with ease.  A gifted learner already seems to know.
• A bright child requires 6-8 repetitions for mastery.  A gifted learner requires 1-2 repetitions.
• A bright child understands ideas.  I gifted learner constructs abstractions.
• A bright child enjoys peers.  A gifted learner prefers adults.
• A bright child grasps the meaning.  A gifted learner draws inferences.
• A bright child completes assignments.  A gifted learner initiates projects.
• A bright child is receptive.  A gifted learner is intense.
• A bright child copies accurately.  A gifted learner creates a new design.
• A bright child enjoys school.  A gifted learner enjoys learning.
• A bright child absorbs information.  A gifted learner manipulates information.
• A bright child is an excellent technician.  A gifted learner is an inventor.
• A bright child is a good memorizer.  A gifted learner is a good guesser.
• A bright child enjoys straightforward, sequential presentation. A gifted learner thrives on  complexity.
• A bright child is alert.  A gifted learner is keenly observant.
• A bright child is pleased with own learning.  A gifted learner is highly self-critical.

So, let me know what you think about this.  Do you agree?  Do you disagree? Feel free to post a comment of your personal experiences or professional opinions.

Twice Exceptionality
First of all, what does the term “twice exceptional” mean?  Simply, it refers to a child who is intellectually gifted, but who also has some challenge to learning, including, but not limited to, ADHD, an autism spectrum disorder, a behavioral or emotional disorder, or a specific learning disability.  Unfortunately, often the giftedness is masked by the disability, the disability is masked by the giftedness, or neither is addressed since the child appears to be doing fine.  twice exceptionality is a puzzle and we must identify all of the pieces in order to help the child to fulfill his potential.


As we seek to understand appropriate measures by which to identify twice-exceptional children, we must also understand the complexities of twice-exceptionality. While we have to look at a child’s innate intelligence and academic potential, we also need to be able to see the array of possible impediments to the child’s reaching that potential.  


When we talk about twice-exceptional (2E) learners, there is a tendency to look at them as a group.  What can we do for 2X learners?  How can we modify curriculum for 2E learners?  How should we differentiate for 2E learners?  Unfortunately, the problem is not that straightforward.  Gifted students who have physical, emotional, psychological, or cognitive obstacles in their paths need to be addressed differently.  For example, a teacher certainly would not provide the same accommodations to a blind gifted student as to a gifted student who is deaf.  Similarly, the needs of the gifted child with ADHD are different from those of a gifted child with emotional or behavioral issues.  To carry the argument in a slightly different direction, the needs of a student at one end of the autism spectrum are even quite different from those for the student at the other end.  We want to provide the best educational opportunities possible to each child, but we would be doing these 2E learners a disservice if we thought of them all as simply “2E.”  We absolutely must look at their individual needs based upon the type and degree of both their obstacles and their giftedness.


In 2002, the No Child Left Behind Act (NCLB) was passed as reauthorization of The Federal Elementary and Secondary Education Act.  In NCLB, giftedness was defined as: “Students, children, or youth who give evidence of high achievement capability in areas such as intellectual, creative, artistic, or leadership capacity, or in specific academic fields, and who need services and activities not ordinarily provided by the school in order to fully develop those capabilities.” [Title IX, Part A, Definition 22. (2002)]  Many states and districts do follow this NCLB definition. Gone is reliance on the measure of one’s giftedness as a numerical number achieved on an intelligence test; however, intelligence quotients (IQs) may still qualify one as gifted in terms of providing a window into the “potential for high achievement.”


As children reach the school years, parents often see signs of giftedness in their children first.  Stories abound of how Johnny was speaking in complete sentences at 1 or Susie was reading at 3.  These certainly are early signs of precociousness; however, other signs must be considered as well (depending upon which definition of giftedness we choose to use).  Similarly, if a parent sees that Johnny has difficulty distinguishing among vowel sounds, or writes illegibly, reads haltingly or becomes enraged at the slightest provocation, there may be a twice-exceptionality.  I believe that parents are integral players in identifying 2E children. 


The National Association for Gifted Children (NAGC) tells us, in its position paper on twice exceptionality, “Whereas the concept itself is becoming more well-known both in and out of gifted education, professionals still are unsure of the prevalence of twice-exceptionality because no federal agency gathers base-rate data for this group of students. Estimates made through various sources, such as the U.S. Department of Education, suggest that there are approximately 360,000 twice-exceptional students in America’s schools (National Education Association, 2006), making the call for awareness and understanding about twice-exceptionality critical for educators nationwide.


Also to be considered, Piaget believed that we must understand a child’s logic in order to understand their level of intelligence.  He believed, "Children have real understanding only of that which they invent themselves, and each time that we try to teach them something too quickly, we keep them from reinventing it themselves."  (http://www.time.com/time/time100/scientist/profile/piaget02.html)  Any true measure of their intelligence, then, should be one that allows them a degree of individual exploration and re-invention.  


NAGC cautions, “IQ tests do not measure creativity, leadership, initiative, curiosity, commitment, artistic skill, musical talent, social skills, emotional well-being, or physical prowess - all components which can be included in definitions of giftedness. There is considerable evidence that students who are economically disadvantaged, from ethnic minorities, and/or speak English as a second language generally receive a lower score on IQ tests. This is a fault in the tests, not the students” [Callahan, C. M. & Eichner, H. (2009). IQ Tests and Your Child.  Retrieved November 3, 2009 from www.nagc.org].


The bottom line, then, is that when looking at the possibility of twice exceptionality, we need to look at the whole child.  We need to be aware of how easily he learns, assimilates, and displays knowledge, but also of when he becomes frustrated, how he relates to other children his chronological age, and parents’ impressions of the child.  Only by putting together all of the pieces of the puzzle that is each child can we assist him in fulfilling his true potential.

Creatively Gifted Children

       Stories abound of the child who never seemed to find his or her place in the school system – until in high school the child attended a school for performing and/or visual artists.  Then, the child flourished, released from the confines of the academic box that held him.  In fact, Goertzel and Goertzel found (1960) that “60% of eminent creative people had serious school problems.”  Their round pegs simply did not fit into the square holes of traditional education.  Edison and Tesla’s energy, Virginia Woolf and Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s talking, Robert Frost’s daydreaming and Frank Lloyd Wright’s inattentiveness landed them in trouble with their teachers (Cheney, 1981, Cramond & Kim, 2007).  Yet, it is those very characteristics that served them well in becoming the eminent individuals they became in their fields.

Schools for the Performing Arts are filled with students whose parents wondered if they would ever “be normal”

The question is, then, how do we best serve these creatively gifted children?  Do we ask already stressed teachers to expand their repertoire to include more arts-based learning options?  Do we assess a child’s artistic talent at a young age and put the child on an arts track, similar to many Eastern European and Asian schools?  Do we accept the differences in the creative soul and provide a welcoming and supportive environment in the traditional classroom?  Do we provide increased assessment options in the gifted classroom that would allow the artistic child to present knowledge on his or her own terms instead of through test-taking, rote memorization, and regurgitation of the teacher’s lessons?

If we could only identify these children at an earlier age and allow them to spread their creative wings, embracing their gifts and teaching them in ways that acknowledged and celebrated their artistic bent.  More often, teachers tell the child who has an amazing talent for drawing that her pictures are pretty, but it ends there.  The musical child who drums or hums in class is consistently reprimanded instead of being allowed to utilize that talent and interest.

        Ideally, I would like to see school system personnel opening their minds to the possibility of offering opportunities for the creative child to shine.  Through teacher training, teachers could learn to encourage their talents.  A few simple suggestions:

1. Art contests for yearbook covers, newspaper cartoons, bulletin boards, etc.

2. Debates on controversial issues in class

3. Journal of “Great Questions” kept by students or teacher to validate the creative thoughts and questions – not just the “right” answers

4. More game-playing and role-playing with literature, history, etc.

5. What if? time each day to encourage those with creative minds to think of possibilities relating to subject matter being studied

6. Morning greetings led by students – acceptance of silly, creative types of greetings

7. Ask dancers to teach class a dance that could be performed as an interpretation of a story

8. Ask artists to draw a “theme of the week” picture to be hung in the room and to which the teacher would refer several times during the week

9. Allow two minutes of “silly discussion” when talking about assignments

10.Occasionally ask students for their ideas for changing classroom systems

11.Offer writing opportunities for students who enjoy creative writing and story-telling.  Ask them, perhaps, to write a story each week to replace the morning story read by the teacher (lower grades).

        Given the prevalence of research and writing on the topic of creativity, I believe that it is significant in the scheme of things gifted. It would be beneficial to the debate if educators could decide what they mean, though, when they speak of creativity.  Are they referring to the generic, schoolhouse or living life type of creativity wherein a person consistently discovers new ways of doing or being, or performs ordinary tasks in unordinary ways?  Or are they referring to the artistically creative individuals who have a prodigious talent in visual or performing arts?  

My thought is that educators are referring to the former and not to the latter, although it is these individuals who have immense talent to create works of art who feel frustrated in the traditional school setting.  They doodle and tap their pencils, stare out the window and hum.  They wiggle in their seats and draw in the margins of their papers, react melodramatically and pretend.  They wear “different” clothes and hairstyles.  These are at-risk students who just have a need to create.  Because they don’t fit into the traditional program, though, teachers often perceive their actions as disruptive, rude, and antagonistic.  “I told you not to draw on that paper, Johnny!”  “Jane, if you can’t pay attention, you may go to the principal’s office.”  “PLEASE stop tapping (or rapping or bamming or humming . . .)!”  

Perhaps teachers could use some training on how to constructively embrace their talents rather than stifle them.  Do you have any suggestions as to how we can better serve these children?