Helping Children To Be More Resilient

    A phenomenon has overtaken this country in the past few years.  Children are never allowed to feel sad or angry or to fail at anything.  Parents, wanting their children to be happy, are quick to jump in and fix any problem their child has, trying to stave away any sadness.  Of course, the parents do this because they love their children and want to see the smiles on their faces.  However, the results of this type of parenting are not pretty.
     A child who never is allowed to feel sad, doesn’t learn how to deal with sadness, how to get past it, to see the beauty in the world, the goodness in people, or the strength in himself.  Without the minor sadnesses that childhood can offer, he does not learn how to cope with true sadness later on.  When a child’s pet dies, for example, it is okay to feel sad.  Parents can help children to understand the emotion, that we all feel sad sometimes, but that the sadness will pass in time and we will be happy again.  In this way, the child is prepared to maneuver through sadnesses, knowing that there will come a time when she will be happy again.
     A child who is not allowed to be angry, who is told to “get over it,” or not to be mad, doesn’t learn that there are some situations that absolutely warrant getting angry and then learning to use that anger to spur one on to greater things.  If, for example, a child gets angry because he can not have a toy he wants, and is allowed to feel that anger, and is guided to understand that he may be angry now but that we don’t always get everything we want, learns that sometimes anger is warranted and sometimes it is not.  At any rate, it is not rewarded.  When the child who is beaten out by another child for a team they both wanted to be on, and the losing child becomes angry, it is the parent’s job to allow the child to be angry, but to make sure that the child understands why he is angry.  Should his anger be directed at the child who played better or at himself because he didn’t try his best?  Learn from that anger.

    A child who is never allowed to fail at anything, or who is always told that she did a good job even when she did not, does not learn how to process failure, to learn from it, and not to make the same mistakes again.  Also, a child whose parent always praises in the face of failure or poor performance is less trusted to tell the child the truth.  The child knows in his heart that the effort was poor, or that he failed.  Yet, when the parent praises the effort or the result anyway, he learns to distrust the praise given in other situations.  A good example of this is a little boy playing baseball.  He comes up to bat and swings and misses.  Everyone yells, “good try.”  Another pitch comes and he swings and misses, and again everyone yells “good try.”  The third pitch comes and he hits a little roller back to the pitcher who throws him out at first.  Again, everyone yells, “That’s okay.  Good try.”  The mother, however, says nothing to him and asks the other parents not to tell him that it was a good try.  It wasn’t.  He failed.  The mother is criticized for being too hard on the little boy.  After the game, walking to the parking lot, the little boy asks his mother how he did.  She honestly tells him that his two hits were great, the run he scored was helpful to his team, but that his last at bat was horrible.  He looks up, smiles, and says, “I know.  Why does everyone yell ‘good try’ even when it isn’t?  It really bugs me.”  This mother understood that honesty is important and that the child needed to learn from the failure, figure out what he did wrong, and perhaps correct it in the next game.

    By allowing children to feel their emotions, we help them to become more resilient adults, able to cope with those emotions when they are felt.  By keeping children from feeling negative emotions, we are not giving them the tools with which to stave off depression, loneliness, and anger-related escalations.

    So, the next time your little one is sad, cuddle up with her, ask why she is sad, understand, and let her know that the sadness will pass.  The next time your child is angry, ask why he is angry, accept that, and help him to channel that anger in a positive way.  And, the next time your pride and joy fails, look that failure in the eye and make sure that he accepts it, learns from it, and moves on.  You will be ensuring that your child will become a resilient adult.

Organizational Styles

     Do you wish your child would be more organized?  Do you wish your child would remember where he put his things?  Do you wish your child would get her homework done in a more organized way?  Do you find yourself nagging your child to clean his room, pick up her toys, move his games out of your way, get her homework done, practice his musical instrument?
     Keep in mind that when you criticize your children for not being organized, you may be doing so unfairly.  Ask yourself a few questions: 1) Is my child able to find things when he needs them?; 2) Is my child comfortable in her surroundings? Is my child a . . . child?

     Some people are most organized following the adage, “A place for everything and everything in its place” (Type A) while others are most organized when their papers are in piles, items used every day are visible, and the untrained eye sees their space as a recent tornado scene (Type B).

      Parents, BOTH styles are organized.  A problem arises, however, when a Type A parent has a Type B child or vice versa.  We have to remember that our children do not need to organize in the exact same way we do so long as they can find what they need and are safe.    

      If, however, you would like to try to mold your Type B into a Type A, make sure that you provide appropriate spaces for his “stuff.”  Cubbies, shelves, hooks, and baskets are often acceptable to Type Bs since they allow for everything to be visible.  The Type A parent may be able to adapt to this visibility since everything now has a place. 

        If you would like to try to mold your Type A into a Type B in your image, however, that might be a little more difficult.  I remember a parent telling me of a three-year-old who chased after her with her shoes to inform her that they had not been put away where they belonged.   

        Whatever your organizational style, just remember that organization does have to be taught.  It is not something that children are born knowing.  Often, they will copy your style, but sometimes they will develop their very own.  Try to be patient and enjoy the ride.

Starting a Parent Group

     Parenting can sometimes feel like a losing proposition.  Whatever we do, we question ourselves, wonder if we are doing the right things for our children, and our children often tell us that they are the only ones who cannot see a particular movie, listen to particular music, or be at home at a particular time.  Living in a vacuum, not communicating with other parents, can make us feel that we are making a million mistakes.  

     One solution is to join a parents’ group.  If one is not available in your area, then it is easier than you would think to start one.  All you need is a unifying mission, a place to meet, and a willingness to discuss the issues confronting your children or you as parents.  So, how do you go about starting a parent group?

1. You could go to the National Association for Gifted Children (NAGC) website. Click on Parents and then on Starting a Parent Group.  NAGC will walk you through the steps to start an affiliate parent group.
2. If you do not want to go through NAGC, you could simply contact your school or community center to obtain a location for meetings.  Decide how frequently you would like your group to meet, the day of the week, and time, and secure your location for those times.
3. Create a flyer that provides the purpose for your group, the meeting information, and topics to be discussed.  Often, a parent group is more successful if you decide on a particular topic to be the focus for each meeting, and then branch out from there into other areas of concern.  Asking someone from the community who is knowledgeable about your focus topic to attend often helps your meeting to stay on task.
4. At your first meeting, you could poll the attendees as to what they would find useful, the direction they would like to see the group head, and any ideas they may have.
5. Keep your meetings short (1-2 hours) because parents with young children usually do not have a lot of free time.  
6. When the designated time for the end of the meeting arrives, announce that the formal meeting is over and allow anyone who needs to leave to do so without feeling as though he or she is leaving early.  If you wish, you could continue the meeting informally after that time for anyone who wishes to continue to chat.
7. Asking attendees to sign up to lead future meetings often is a way to distribute the work.  Whoever is to lead a meeting may select the topic to be discussed that day, secure a speaker, and/or lead the discussion.
8. If you wish to have refreshments at your meetings, you could send around a sign-up sheet so that no one person is responsible for providing all of the refreshments.
9. If you prefer, you could meet at a local coffee shop or restaurant.  In that case, no one would need to bring refreshments since attendees could purchase whatever they want.
10. Have fun!  Organizing a parent group does not have to be a lot of work.  The benefits, however, are enlightening. 

Exploring Your Hometown
     No matter where you live, there are a multitude of adventures you can have with your children to inspire them, pique their curiosity, and follow or create a newfound passion.  Whether you have a budding scientist or a child who loves fire trucks, a young thespian or one with a passion for music, use your imagination to come up with an inspiring adventure.  You never know where you will find the best day of your child’s young life.  Some ideas are:

• Art Museum
• Science Museum
• Natural History Museum
• Specific Subject Museum
• Zoo
• Amusement Park
• Post Office
• City Hall
• Fire Station
• Police Station
• Playground
• Park
• Sporting Event
• Factory
• Beach
• Mountain
• Airport
• Train Station
• Restaurant Kitchen
• Farm
• Stable
• Fair
• Parade
• Lake, River, or Ocean
• Aquarium
• Island
• Boat Ride
• Picnic
• Theater
• Movie
• Mall

     Of course, there are many more locations you could choose.  Once there, though, what do you do?  An adventure requires a little planning.  So, what can you do in these places?

• Hunt Treasure
• Problem Solve
• Play Games
• Search and Identify
• Interview
• Answer Questions
• Draw or Paint
• Plan a Route
• Make Connections
• Act Out a Scene
• Pretend
• Analyze
• Research
• Laugh
• Enjoy!!!!!

Teaching Virtues With Movies

   Sometimes it is difficult to teach a particular lesson to our children.  Or, alternatively, we are teaching a lesson and need a way to reinforce the lesson.  Movies can be a wonderful tool to  use strategically.  There were many times when raising my own children that I would select a movie because of the message it conveyed.  If you are trying to instill courage or honesty, listening, or the effects of bullying, for example, there are wonderful movies you can watch with your children.  

    Simply providing these movies may not be enough.  Try watching the movies with them and discussing the principles either during or afterwards.  Relate the ideas to their lives.  A wonderful series is Adventures From the Book of Virtues.  The show was on PBS for four seasons and the episodes may be purchased as boxed sets. It is particularly appropriate for young children. 

     Some specific movies that depict life lessons are:

• Honesty -- Liar Liar, Pinnochio
• Integrity -- 12 Angry Men, Apollo 13
• Bullying -- Big Bully, Mean Girls, The Karate Kid
• Friendship -- Toy Story, Monsters Inc., Finding Nemo, The Jungle Book, The Sandlot, The Wizard of Oz, Pete’s Dragon
• Loyalty -- Shrek, Brave Little Toaster, Angels in the Outfield, It’s a Wonderful Life
• Resilience -- Soul Surfer, Cast Away, Clash of the Titans, James and The Giant Peach, The Swiss Family Robinson
• Giftedness -- August Rush, Finding Forrester, Harriet the Spy, Matilda, Little Man Tate, October Sky, Searching for Bobby Fischer, Rain Man
• Individualism -- The Incredibles, Star Wars, Mulan
• Free Will -- Babe, Racing Stripes
• Respect -- Ladybugs, A Bug’s Life, Around the World in 80 Days, High School Musical, Remember the Titans
• Courage -- The Diary of Ann Frank, The Red Badge of Courage
• Leadership -- Cool Runnings, Mr. Holland’s Opus, The Chronicles of Narnia, 101 Dalmations, Madagascar
• Patience -- The Karate Kid, Are We There Yet?, 
• Generosity -- It’s a Wonderful Life, 
• Responsibility -- The Lion King, Old Yeller, The Rookie, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Yearling
• Persistence -- The Miracle Worker, Where the Red Fern Grows

Consistent Discipline 

     
     Standing in line at the grocery store, I watched as a frustrated mother repeatedly told her young, crying son that he could not have the candy bar he wanted.  As she unpacked her groceries, putting them on the belt, he continued to cry, ask for the candy bar, and tell her that he needed it.  Her response was that he could not have it.  I was proud of her for sticking to her guns UNTIL she exclaimed, “Fine.  If it gets you to stop crying, you can have it!”  At this point, his tears stopped immediately, a smile spread across his face, and she finished checking out.  As they were leaving the store, he began crying again, saying that he wanted to go to the toy store.  She told him that they could not go to the toy store today.  He continued crying as they left the store.  

    This little boy is learning how to manipulate his mother, hot to get his own way, and who is in charge of the family - him.

    Contrast this with an experience I had today at Disney World.  As I again stood in line, this time waiting for bus transportation to the Magic Kingdom, a little boy stood at his mother’s feet, holding onto her legs, and looking up at her with tears streaming down his little face.  As he cried, he kept asking her to pick him up.  Her response each time was exactly the same, a quiet but firm, “You bit me.  Until you can apologize and stop crying, I will not pick you up.”  She repeated these same two sentences six or seven times over a span of 10 minutes or so.  Finally, the little boy wiped his eyes, looked up at her and said, “I sorry.”  She whipped him up into her arms, hugged him, kissed him, and said, “Good boy.  Now don’t bite any more, okay?”  He responded that he would not and they both smiled.

    This little boy is learning that there are societal and familial expectations, that his mother is not one to be manipulated, and that she is the adult in the relationship.  He also is learning that he can trust what she says to him because when she says something, she means it.

Consistent discipline provides a structure for a child that gives him a sense of security.   

Unplugging
    
     For the next couple of weeks, I am going to "unplug."  No e-mail, no Facebook, no online gaming, no reading the news on the internet.  I am going to take a break and do everything the old-fashioned way: send cards and letters via snail mail, call to talk with friends, play board games, and read the newspaper.  When this little experiment is over, I'll get back to you on its success (or failure).