Digital Parenting
     I am coining a new phrase -- digital parenting.  This refers to those parents who live hectic lives: working, socializing, traveling, and raising their children digitally.  With the advent of i-phones and i-pads, i-parenting is taking over in some households.  Leaving messages for children to do chores, reminders to do homework, and schedules are taking the place of face-to-face communication.  Sending texts, e-mails, and IMing are taking the place of face-to-face communication.  Referencing articles, television shows, and news reports is taking the place of face-to-face communication. Parents giving children toys that read stories to them instead of reading to them themselves are losing face-to-face communication.
    A digital mom of a 15 year old said to me a short time ago, "You seem to have a great relationship with your children.  How can I talk with my son?"  I wanted to tell her that it was too late, that you develop a relationship from birth, talking, playing, listening, spending time together, laughing, sharing, teaching, disciplining, loving.  You can't allow television, computers, video games, day care providers, coaches, and teachers to raise your child.  You need to be an important piece of the equation.  Then, when your child is 15, you will have developed a base that allows him to be confident that you are there, care, and are concerned for his well-being.  What I did say was, "Well, you could start by unplugging for a weekend - the whole family.  Spend the weekend playing games together, doing chores together, running errands together, and talking.  Find something that you all love and do it together - no cell phones, ipads, laptops, televisions, ipods, or any other electronic distractions.  Have meals together at the same time at the same table."  She looked at me as though I had suggested that she cut off her arm, shrugged, and said, "Well, that's not going to happen."
    When I drive along the road and see a Mom sitting in the front seat, driving, and two children sitting in the back with ear buds in their ears, staring at DVD screens, I am sad.  When I see a family riding in a car and three children are in the back, individually playing video games on their Game Boys I am sad.  When I see children with ear buds in their ears listening to different music, I am sad.  Digital parents should realize that car time is captive audience time.  While "trapped" in the car, parents and children have the opportunity to play word games, I Spy, number games, sing songs, review the events of the day, talk about the future, laugh together, basically, learn about each other's lives and connect.  Allowing this time to slip by is really allowing your children to slip a little more away from you.
    I know that I run the risk of sounding old fashioned.  I am not an enemy of technology.  I love my electronic toys - MacBook Air, Ipod, Apple TV, DVD, GPS, etc. -- but there is so much to be gained when they are turned off, when you are inaccessible and unplugged to the outside world.  There are times when you need to communicate with people one-to-one and face-to-face -- especially your children.   
     

The Joy of Reading

     Never underestimate the power of the joy of reading in reaching gifted children, regardless of your observations of their abilities or attention span in class.    

     For two years, I served as Project Manager for a research study on twice-exceptional children (children who are gifted but who also have something that is holding them back from fulfilling their true potential, such as ADD/ADHD, Asperger’s, OCD, Bi-Polar, Behavioral or Social diagnoses, etc.) Part of my responsibility was to visit third and fourth grade classrooms to observe the students in the study.  I found this fascinating, particularly when it came to be time for free reading. 

     When the students were given time to read on their own, wonderful things occurred.  A student who didn’t seem to be able to focus on anything suddenly became engrossed in a biography of Albert Einstein, sitting quietly at his desk.  A student who felt like a failure most of the time suddenly smiled and laughed as she read, sprawled on the carpet in the front of the room.  A little boy whose numerous questions often went unanswered by a harried teacher became absorbed in a book on aeronautics, sitting on the windowsill.  A little girl who appeared anxious most of the time relaxed and left the world behind as she became engrossed in a novel, curled in a bean bag chair. And a little boy who was often homeless and had difficulty getting his work done in a noisy classroom read a historical novel quietly aloud to himself sitting under the teacher’s desk in his own little cave.

    The examples are too numerous to list here, but the effect that free reading had on these children was astounding - across the board.  Regardless of their twice-exceptionality, when they were given time to read books of their choosing, topics in which they were truly interested, they became engrossed. In gifted education, we often tell teachers and parents to follow the children’s passions to reach them and to help them to learn.  The truth in this philosophy becomes clear during these reading times.

    One of my favorite stories is of the little boy who loved science.  In fact, he was far ahead of the class in that area, since he read everything he could on a variety of scientific topics.  As a result, he was bored and frustrated during science in his gifted elementary classroom.  The class didn’t delve deeply enough into the subject for him.  The teacher didn’t have the time (or the inclination) to answer his many questions.  He began acting out in class, being disruptive to the other children and annoying the teacher.  Parents were called in for a conference and it was suggested that the little boy be put on medication to calm him.  The parents refused, since they knew their son and knew that in his case he simply needed more of a challenge in science.  An agreement was made between parents and teacher that a contract would be drawn up and the little boy and his teacher would both sign it.  If he agreed to not disrupt the class and complete the assignments for the class, the teacher would agree to let him bring in books from the library and from home to read while the rest of the class completed their work.  During the remainder of the school year, the little boy was a model student.  He completed his assigned work and went to his “office” in the corner of the room where he read dozens of books in a variety of scientific areas.  When he finished each book, he wrote a review of the book, including questions he had about each one.  He and the teacher would review his writing, and they would choose a question or two to research further.  

    This story describes a situation in which some creativity and flexibility on the part of an excellent teacher, caring parents, and a bright child created a learning experience commensurate with a child’s abilities and interests, while allowing him to remain in a classroom with his age peers - something that was important to the parents and the child.  Reading about his interests changed him from a behavioral “problem child” into a curious, lifetime learner.

    Never underestimate the power of the joy of reading for these gifted children. 

Praise
    I attended a cheerleading competition today.  Little girls from pre-school through high school competed with teams from around the state.  It was exciting, fun, and entertaining.  It was also educational.  The educational piece, for me, came in the relationship between the type and frequency of praise bestowed upon the members of the team and the team’s attitude, pleasure in performing, and success.  As I watched the teams take to the floor, I also watched their coaches.  

    I watched a pair of coaches hug each member prior to competition, smile at them, tell them that they were going to be great, and to have fun.  The team went out and looked like they really enjoyed themselves.  They were a pleasure to watch and they did great.  When they were finished, the coaches jumped up, ran to them, arms open and smiles on their faces, congratulating them for doing the best they had ever done. Team members and coaches ran out of the auditorium, chattering about what fun that had been.
    In contrast, another coach sternly reminded the girls that they needed to do their best, yelled to them from across the room to smile, motioned throughout their performance to any member who was not doing something right.  When the competition was over, the team quietly left the floor. Without a word, the coach turned her back and the team quietly followed her out of the auditorium.
    Which team do you think did better at the end of the day?  Which girls are having a healthier experience?  Which girls are being empowered to do their best and to enjoy what they do, to feel good about themselves and their accomplishments? It is obvious that the team with the positive attitude, with the praise-bestowing coaches did far better than the team with the stern, all business coach.  When awards were handed out, another team took first prize, and the positive attitude team ran to them to congratulate them, following their coaches’ lead who walked over and shook hands with the winning coaches, congratulating them.  The negative attitude team sat sullenly, complaining to each other that they should have gotten better scores.  Their coach frowned at the winners and told her team that if they had tried harder they would have done better.
    Praise and a positive attitude will win out every time.
    Planning to write about praise today, I was surprised to see a friend’s post Are Our Children Overpraised? | Child Mind Institute (www.childmind.org).  If you are interested in the research on praise, take a look at the website.

Helping Children To Be More Resilient

    A phenomenon has overtaken this country in the past few years.  Children are never allowed to feel sad or angry or to fail at anything.  Parents, wanting their children to be happy, are quick to jump in and fix any problem their child has, trying to stave away any sadness.  Of course, the parents do this because they love their children and want to see the smiles on their faces.  However, the results of this type of parenting are not pretty.
     A child who never is allowed to feel sad, doesn’t learn how to deal with sadness, how to get past it, to see the beauty in the world, the goodness in people, or the strength in himself.  Without the minor sadnesses that childhood can offer, he does not learn how to cope with true sadness later on.  When a child’s pet dies, for example, it is okay to feel sad.  Parents can help children to understand the emotion, that we all feel sad sometimes, but that the sadness will pass in time and we will be happy again.  In this way, the child is prepared to maneuver through sadnesses, knowing that there will come a time when she will be happy again.
     A child who is not allowed to be angry, who is told to “get over it,” or not to be mad, doesn’t learn that there are some situations that absolutely warrant getting angry and then learning to use that anger to spur one on to greater things.  If, for example, a child gets angry because he can not have a toy he wants, and is allowed to feel that anger, and is guided to understand that he may be angry now but that we don’t always get everything we want, learns that sometimes anger is warranted and sometimes it is not.  At any rate, it is not rewarded.  When the child who is beaten out by another child for a team they both wanted to be on, and the losing child becomes angry, it is the parent’s job to allow the child to be angry, but to make sure that the child understands why he is angry.  Should his anger be directed at the child who played better or at himself because he didn’t try his best?  Learn from that anger.

    A child who is never allowed to fail at anything, or who is always told that she did a good job even when she did not, does not learn how to process failure, to learn from it, and not to make the same mistakes again.  Also, a child whose parent always praises in the face of failure or poor performance is less trusted to tell the child the truth.  The child knows in his heart that the effort was poor, or that he failed.  Yet, when the parent praises the effort or the result anyway, he learns to distrust the praise given in other situations.  A good example of this is a little boy playing baseball.  He comes up to bat and swings and misses.  Everyone yells, “good try.”  Another pitch comes and he swings and misses, and again everyone yells “good try.”  The third pitch comes and he hits a little roller back to the pitcher who throws him out at first.  Again, everyone yells, “That’s okay.  Good try.”  The mother, however, says nothing to him and asks the other parents not to tell him that it was a good try.  It wasn’t.  He failed.  The mother is criticized for being too hard on the little boy.  After the game, walking to the parking lot, the little boy asks his mother how he did.  She honestly tells him that his two hits were great, the run he scored was helpful to his team, but that his last at bat was horrible.  He looks up, smiles, and says, “I know.  Why does everyone yell ‘good try’ even when it isn’t?  It really bugs me.”  This mother understood that honesty is important and that the child needed to learn from the failure, figure out what he did wrong, and perhaps correct it in the next game.

    By allowing children to feel their emotions, we help them to become more resilient adults, able to cope with those emotions when they are felt.  By keeping children from feeling negative emotions, we are not giving them the tools with which to stave off depression, loneliness, and anger-related escalations.

    So, the next time your little one is sad, cuddle up with her, ask why she is sad, understand, and let her know that the sadness will pass.  The next time your child is angry, ask why he is angry, accept that, and help him to channel that anger in a positive way.  And, the next time your pride and joy fails, look that failure in the eye and make sure that he accepts it, learns from it, and moves on.  You will be ensuring that your child will become a resilient adult.

Organizational Styles

     Do you wish your child would be more organized?  Do you wish your child would remember where he put his things?  Do you wish your child would get her homework done in a more organized way?  Do you find yourself nagging your child to clean his room, pick up her toys, move his games out of your way, get her homework done, practice his musical instrument?
     Keep in mind that when you criticize your children for not being organized, you may be doing so unfairly.  Ask yourself a few questions: 1) Is my child able to find things when he needs them?; 2) Is my child comfortable in her surroundings? Is my child a . . . child?

     Some people are most organized following the adage, “A place for everything and everything in its place” (Type A) while others are most organized when their papers are in piles, items used every day are visible, and the untrained eye sees their space as a recent tornado scene (Type B).

      Parents, BOTH styles are organized.  A problem arises, however, when a Type A parent has a Type B child or vice versa.  We have to remember that our children do not need to organize in the exact same way we do so long as they can find what they need and are safe.    

      If, however, you would like to try to mold your Type B into a Type A, make sure that you provide appropriate spaces for his “stuff.”  Cubbies, shelves, hooks, and baskets are often acceptable to Type Bs since they allow for everything to be visible.  The Type A parent may be able to adapt to this visibility since everything now has a place. 

        If you would like to try to mold your Type A into a Type B in your image, however, that might be a little more difficult.  I remember a parent telling me of a three-year-old who chased after her with her shoes to inform her that they had not been put away where they belonged.   

        Whatever your organizational style, just remember that organization does have to be taught.  It is not something that children are born knowing.  Often, they will copy your style, but sometimes they will develop their very own.  Try to be patient and enjoy the ride.

Starting a Parent Group

     Parenting can sometimes feel like a losing proposition.  Whatever we do, we question ourselves, wonder if we are doing the right things for our children, and our children often tell us that they are the only ones who cannot see a particular movie, listen to particular music, or be at home at a particular time.  Living in a vacuum, not communicating with other parents, can make us feel that we are making a million mistakes.  

     One solution is to join a parents’ group.  If one is not available in your area, then it is easier than you would think to start one.  All you need is a unifying mission, a place to meet, and a willingness to discuss the issues confronting your children or you as parents.  So, how do you go about starting a parent group?

1. You could go to the National Association for Gifted Children (NAGC) website. Click on Parents and then on Starting a Parent Group.  NAGC will walk you through the steps to start an affiliate parent group.
2. If you do not want to go through NAGC, you could simply contact your school or community center to obtain a location for meetings.  Decide how frequently you would like your group to meet, the day of the week, and time, and secure your location for those times.
3. Create a flyer that provides the purpose for your group, the meeting information, and topics to be discussed.  Often, a parent group is more successful if you decide on a particular topic to be the focus for each meeting, and then branch out from there into other areas of concern.  Asking someone from the community who is knowledgeable about your focus topic to attend often helps your meeting to stay on task.
4. At your first meeting, you could poll the attendees as to what they would find useful, the direction they would like to see the group head, and any ideas they may have.
5. Keep your meetings short (1-2 hours) because parents with young children usually do not have a lot of free time.  
6. When the designated time for the end of the meeting arrives, announce that the formal meeting is over and allow anyone who needs to leave to do so without feeling as though he or she is leaving early.  If you wish, you could continue the meeting informally after that time for anyone who wishes to continue to chat.
7. Asking attendees to sign up to lead future meetings often is a way to distribute the work.  Whoever is to lead a meeting may select the topic to be discussed that day, secure a speaker, and/or lead the discussion.
8. If you wish to have refreshments at your meetings, you could send around a sign-up sheet so that no one person is responsible for providing all of the refreshments.
9. If you prefer, you could meet at a local coffee shop or restaurant.  In that case, no one would need to bring refreshments since attendees could purchase whatever they want.
10. Have fun!  Organizing a parent group does not have to be a lot of work.  The benefits, however, are enlightening. 

Exploring Your Hometown
     No matter where you live, there are a multitude of adventures you can have with your children to inspire them, pique their curiosity, and follow or create a newfound passion.  Whether you have a budding scientist or a child who loves fire trucks, a young thespian or one with a passion for music, use your imagination to come up with an inspiring adventure.  You never know where you will find the best day of your child’s young life.  Some ideas are:

• Art Museum
• Science Museum
• Natural History Museum
• Specific Subject Museum
• Zoo
• Amusement Park
• Post Office
• City Hall
• Fire Station
• Police Station
• Playground
• Park
• Sporting Event
• Factory
• Beach
• Mountain
• Airport
• Train Station
• Restaurant Kitchen
• Farm
• Stable
• Fair
• Parade
• Lake, River, or Ocean
• Aquarium
• Island
• Boat Ride
• Picnic
• Theater
• Movie
• Mall

     Of course, there are many more locations you could choose.  Once there, though, what do you do?  An adventure requires a little planning.  So, what can you do in these places?

• Hunt Treasure
• Problem Solve
• Play Games
• Search and Identify
• Interview
• Answer Questions
• Draw or Paint
• Plan a Route
• Make Connections
• Act Out a Scene
• Pretend
• Analyze
• Research
• Laugh
• Enjoy!!!!!